Its characters often use humor as a way to cope with the horrors of war, and the tragedies that befell them due to the death and destruction around them. Whether M*A*S*H was being funny or heartbreaking, it was always extremely well-written, with the following being some of the best quotes to come from the show’s 256 episodes.
10. Frank: “I know I’m a real asset.” Hawkeye: “You’re only off by two letters.”
The humor in M*A*S*H is often timeless, with this being a prominent reason it’s endured better than many other sitcoms of its era. Much of the show’s wittiest lines come from its protagonist, Hawkeye, who seems particularly affected by the war around him, and so lashes out against the misery particularly hard, using comedy often to distract and/or lighten the mood.
In the early season, Frank Burns was a frequent antagonist of sorts, and perhaps the only irredeemable character of the main cast. This made him the butt of many Hawkeye zingers, including this dialogue exchange from the season 5 episode “The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan,” where Hawkeye gets to call Frank an ass in a particularly clever way.
9. Hawkeye: “War isn’t Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.”
Another memorable quote from M*A*S*H’s fifth season, this one’s found in an episode called “The General’s Practitioner.” It’s one of the more stirring serious lines from the show, with Hawkeye making his stance on war very apparent (as he often did) to Father Mulcahy.
Hawkeye goes on to discuss the difference between war and Hell further with the camp’s priest, saying that: “There are no innocent bystanders in Hell,” and that “war is chock-full of them.” It’s a sobering reminder of how many victims get claimed in conflicts such as the Korean War; oftentimes, individuals who didn’t even sign up to fight.
8. PA Announcer: “Attention, all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.”
Sometimes, M*A*S*H’s funniest lines came from an unseen speaker, given how often hilarious announcements from the camp’s loudspeaker could be heard. One of the best of these came in season 2, where, with a heavy heart, an unnamed PA Announcer warned the staff about their incoming lunch.
Bad food was something of a running gag on M*A*S*H, with doctors frequently lamenting what they were served almost as often as they would express heartbreak and pain regarding other, more serious matters. And speaking of doctors in M*A*S*H disliking their lack of choice when it came to food…
7. Hawkeye: “Fish! Liver! Day after day! I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish!”
In season 3’s “Adam Ribs,” Hawkeye eventually snaps at the notion of having to eat fish and liver for yet another meal, dramatically bemoaning the lack of variety when it comes to food at the 4077th. During his rant, he suggests that 11 straight days of being served the same thing goes against the Geneva Convention and that he’s “eaten so much fish (he’s) ready to grow gills.”
What follows is a farcical plot that sees Hawkeye attempt to order from back home in the States, specifically barbecue spare ribs sold at his favorite restaurant. It’s one of the best episodes from M*A*S*H’s early seasons, thanks to this inventive narrative and the wonderfully heightened performance from lead actor Alan Alda.
6. Radar: “I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.” B.J.: “No. It’s supposed to make you feel nothing.”
Radar O’Reilly’s perhaps the most naive and innocent of all the main characters on M*A*S*H, with season 5’s “End Run” marking a rare occasion where he tries alcohol. He takes a sip of the homemade gin that Hawkeye and B.J. (like Trapper John before him) drink frequently, and is disgusted by the taste.
5. Potter: “Please excuse these two, they’re themselves today.”
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake departed M*A*S*H in an alarming fashion at the end of season 3, leaving the 4077 in need of a new company commander. That role was filled by Col. Sherman T. Potter, who was a little more stern than his predecessor, though still allowed a certain amount of controlled chaos at the 4077, and himself had a sly sense of humor.
He says the above quote regarding Hawkeye and B.J., importantly not disallowing their antics the way other authority figures on the show might, but still having a bit of a jab at them regardless. Potter’s more grounded personality suited the show’s later seasons well, compared to the goofier Blake being company commander during the somewhat sillier early seasons.
4. Dr. Freedman: “You’re a tribute to man’s endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps.”
Sidney Freedman was one of the best recurring characters on M*A*S*H, never being a part of its main cast, but always being a welcome presence when he would show up. He appeared in 12 episodes in total, with the earliest being in season 2, and his final appearance being the iconic series finale, “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen.”
He’s at the center of the season 6 episode, “War of Nerves,” which sees him struggling with a young patient while the rest of the members of the 4077 deal with their own stresses. Eventually, Freedman gets to deliver this memorable quote to Maxwell Klinger, a character defined by his cross-dressing and quest for getting a Section 8 discharge in early seasons, and his role as company clerk in later seasons, after Radar’s departure.
3. Frank: “I wonder if I can say something useful?” Trapper: “I often wonder that too, Frank.”
Trapper John was Hawkeye’s closest friend during the first three seasons of M*A*S*H, and was replaced by B.J. (and actor Mike Farrell) when actor Wayne Rogers decided to leave the show at the end of season 3. In his time, at least he still got plenty of chances to ridicule Frank as well as Hawkeye ever did.
2. Hawkeye: “There’s something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just – just stopped… She – she killed it!”
The finale for M*A*S*H, “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen” is a highlight of the entire show, and is rightfully considered one of the best series finales in television history. It’s an episode legendary for its bittersweet send-off to the show’s beloved characters, and for the fact it set a record for the most-watched scripted TV broadcast of all time.
It digs deep into some heartbreaking stuff, with characters experiencing genuine loss and trauma with a severity that eclipsed most of the show’s other serious moments. One of the heaviest moments is Hawkeye’s breakdown about witnessing a baby being smothered by its mother because it posed a risk of alerting an enemy patrol, which he feels responsible for causing. It’s a horrible, stomach-churning moment, but sells the horrors of war better than just about any other scene in M*A*S*H.
1. B.J.: “I’ll miss you. A lot. I can’t imagine what this place would’ve been like if I hadn’t found you here.”
Most tear-jerking of all would have to be Hawkeye and B.J. bidding each other farewell, which is left until the very end. The arguable bromance between the two is real here, with an unabashedly heartfelt declaration of friendship/love that concludes a perfect series finale in a perfectly bittersweet way.
